Thirties.

 15/7/2025

The date. It’s been four years since my dad passed away… What’s strange is that, even without consciously remembering the exact date, something within me always knows. My body, my mind—they start to feel it. It’s like an unspoken signal, reminding me to pause… to mourn, even just for a little while.

Aboh, kakak rindu aboh. Maafkan kakak masih belum dapat menjadi seorang yang beriman anak yang berbakti.. 

Since you’ve been gone, I’ve made so many mistakes. I’ve done things I’m not proud of—sinned more than I can count. I feel lost. I’ve had countless breakdowns, and I had no one I could really talk to about it. I used to speak my mind, say things as they were, even if it made people dislike me. But now... it feels pointless to say anything at all. Like no one would understand—or even care.

Even now… the things I used to be passionate about—working, auditing—they’ve started to feel like a burden. What once gave me purpose now feels heavy, empty. I’m lost.

Even as I write this, I’m in tears—finally trying to give voice to emotions I’ve carried in silence for so long. It hurts to write this… but maybe it’s because I’m finally allowing myself to feel what I’ve buried for so long.

Bebel pasal mencari pasangan hidup version introduction mak nenek!

2020,
tahun ni aku 26 yo. One of my aims during my high school aku nak kahwin umur 25 tahun. now a year pass but aku still takde boyfriend (tu la ada orang serious nak kan kau, kau reject. whatever) takpelah mungkin bukan jodoh aku lagi dengan alam perkahwinan. so now i will just enjoy my life to the fullest. dengar kawan-kawan cakap pasal kahwin pasal anak thats normal i guess for the age yang sama or near to my age. yea la ada je kawan aku lps spm terus kahwin rezeki anak dah 3 4 dah sekarang. takpelah rezeki masing2. aku tak tau la aku ni picky sangat ke macam mana, setahu aku aku takde lah picky sangat dalam hidup aku. tapi, yes aku ada prinsipal at least bakal suami aku tu at least boleh terima attitude aku prinsip2 aku yang bertimbun-timbun tu. ye la bagi aku, memilih pasangan ni seolah-olah memilih syurga atau neraka aku. yes aku tau manusia takde yang sempurna melainkan Nabi Muhammad S.A.W. tapi kita manusia berhak buat pilihan untuk kehidupan kita sendiri. Jadi tak jadi tu di tangan Dia bukan kita hambaNya. aku ni overthink so aku harap dapat pasangan yang boleh comfort aku punya overthink tu supaya aku sendiri yang dapat handle aku punya overthink in the best way that i think its the best way to solve it. bukan marah-marah or bebel-bebel aku pasal aku punya overthink pasal aku punya prinsip-prinsip yang aku pegang. i hate who blame me my principles etc. lantak aku la nak hidup banyak prinsip bukan masalah kau. kau nak aku terima aku seadaanya bukan nya sibuk-sibuk nak ubah prinsip-prinsip aku. aku bukan nya tak boleh berubah, there are many ways to do so but dont be dumb that i will change just for you the way you wanted me to change. i ain't give a shit on that kind of people. actually marriage kind scares me, but everything happens in past from people surround me might be lesson to learn. sape je tak nak kahwin dan mempunyai pasangan hidup yang kau akan share everything with. your happiness your sadness your ups and downs together. tapi tu la nak kahwin ni banyak bende perlu ada. kau kene sabar untuk adapt dengan gaya hidup orang lain. kalau kau jenis yang tak suka sharing everything termasuk bantal busuk kau so high probably kau kene learn how to share even your spoon kau yang dia baru suap masuk mulut dia untuk kau guna masuk mulut kau. yes some people might think ei yeww tak hygiene LOL kau kissing pasangan kau tak fikir plak hygiene ke tak DERR. macam aku mostly aku pikir finance and relationship itself. aku bukan la nak demand tinggi2 sangat, just if let say dia nak aku berhenti kerja after get married, at least dia boleh tanggung kommitment aku. ye la kau dah nak aku berhenti kerja so memang aku takde income so macam mana aku nak settle kommitment aku. study loan aku, medical  insurance aku, at least small amount of money for my family and my expenses jugak! haha gila kau aku tak shopping. jangan risau aku biasa shopping bende-bende berfaedah je. paling tak berfaedah pon pi tengok wayang je pon. so i guess its not a problem. okay la aku rasa  sampai sini je la akuu bebel. aku nak sambung buat kerja. oh yeah now 22.4.2020 01.04am now malaysia in phase 3 restricted movement order (RMO) so third phases ni aku work from home (WFH). yeah auditor pon wfh hokeyy. anyway doakan aku cepat kahwin, nak jugak kahwin ada geng nak gaduh. hahhahah. kbai.

Berangan again 🤦‍♀️

I get know someone through tinder few days ago. Been two three days wondering about someone to text me since i gave him my number. Was expecting him to in touch with him but i forgot to ask him number before i uninstall the apps. Had to uninstall the apps due to my phone insufficient storage. During texting with him in tinder, yes i felt something felt like easy and comfortable to be in touch with him. Nothing much i knew about him. What i knew that dia ni duda dengan anak ke tak i dont know. He is 34 yo if his age on the profile is true. He said he going to fly to Tokyo after his 3 days off came back Malaysia from Beijing.  I texted him last 10 dec 2019 n its going to be either 12 dec or 13 dec he going to fly to Tokyo. When i saw his picture i felt comfortable, like he is the one for me. I dont know why i felt that way. He said he went to Kemaman often eat keropok lekor dekat Geliga. Yes, almost cry waiting for him to text me. Now i wrote here expecting perasaan ni akan hilang as soon as possible, sebabnya dah lama sangat tak rasa berharap pada lelaki sampai macam ni sekali. I dont care about his status duda walaupon along pernah cakap dia pon tak berapa okay dengan status duda once along tau kawan baik dia berkenal rapat dengan seorang duda. I just felt comfortable with him. 

I do not know

31 March 2019.
Sometimes life appear in exciting spirits and sometimes its came in the opposite. I broke up with him last few months but i still texted him and in touch with him. Yes i miss him, but i don't know why i miss him. Yeah its not like we knowing each other for long time, but yeah i missed him. He was there when i need someone to be there when im in situation where i need handle my emotion, he was there when im tired, he was there treating with care and love eventhough i annoyed him too much. He there when i need support emotionally mentally financially. But our relationship doesn't last long. I asked him for a break up. Yea might be we still in contact. But its not the same relationship anymore. Its might be my fault asking him for breakup but i dont want to cage someone else life with my traumatized life and unstable emotional. When we were in process knowing each other, he share his thought about marrying me. About build life togather. Having child and enjoy life togather. Yes im a woman with traumatize issue so i dont want that happen to another people. Thats one of the reasons why i asked for breakup. He is the first person i went out for a date. He is a good guy. I hope he will find someone that happily to fit in his life and his dreams.

Im still in process to be better. InsyaaAllah pray for me. InsyaaAllah i will be a better muslimah and a better person for everyone in my life.

Faith. Love. Hope.
Amirah

Confession 1

Disebabkan aku rasa blog aku ni xde org view, so aku nk keluarkan ape yang ada dalam kepala otak aku.

Hati.

Rindu.

Sayang.

Cinta. 

Bende paling susah aku nk open up dengan anyone sbb aku ni mmg jenis yg keras yg blur kadang buat bodoh je bila bab2 ni pop up. Sebab ape, aku pon tak tau. Mungkin memang pesen aku agaknye. Bila cakap pasal lelaki, perempuan mana je yang tak mulut becok dan aku salah sorang termasuk dalam golongan tu terutamanya if lelaki tu kene ngan taste aku. Haha sbb aku minat yg tinggi dr aku n putih dr aku *walaupun aku quite insecure lelaki putih dr aku.
Normal la klo perempuan suka or minat kat mana2 lelaki, dah tu naluri yang tuhan bagi pastu pepandai la kawal emosi nafsu etc sbb tuhan dah bagi hamba dia apa yg dia tau terbaik utk hamba dia.
Time aku sklh rendah lg pernah kene pasal org buat cite aku dengan si polan si polan, start dr situ aku dah kurang rapat ngan mana2 lelaki except cousin2 aku sbb cousin2 aku ramai lelaki. Walaupon the fact aku tau aku prefer pilih lelaki as friends dr perempuan. When people are talking about relationship spouse love etc, thats the things i tried to avoid every single times and i dont know why. While i knew its normal, i meant i knew loving someone n being loved by someone are normal for human being. Its normal to seek for the opposite gender for love for relationship etc. I didnt meant to state that i offend that feeling or i dont want that feeling. Or maybe i just felt its wasnt my lucky timing yet for those matters. I knew few guys who are kind, caring, have good personality etc simple words can be 👍 for our taste/type or my taste/type of guy, but maybe its just me know doesnt really know how to appreciate them more than friends. But one day, who know God want me to feel how is it loving someone n being in love with someone besides your families and friends. Think positive insyaaAllah positive things will come along. 🌸

story 1 : what you are expecting?

the thing i faced recently got me mad...

yeah, i love to having chat n conversation with anyone, but can't you help giving me an ideal about any conversation? what you are expecting on me? are you expecting that i will talk about whole thing about my life to stranger? 

this about facebook conversation i had just now

this one man requesting me as a friend and approve him in the evening, in night he messages me

then after a few minutes of the conversation, i think he block me because i can't response to his message. before this once i faced this situation.. oh man, i'm not entertainer and i am not going to entertain you. that's it.

do you think you are really approaching someone and can have them only for a few minutes? if you feel so, do what you want and that not going to be me.. that's it. 

because you know what, one man waited for me for three years, since once he lied to me. i can't accept him. so what you are expecting in me? i'm not a good person too. i have my own bad, i have my own ways. 

when try for fun, almost right

i'm trying a apps online
about what is your untold story?
its  say that...

Nurul Amirah Adnan
you have a good heart and you try to make everyone happy because you don't like hurting other people's feelings. you sacrifice too much of yourself to make others happy, though. you are a true workaholic because you are addicted to work! while you work miracles at your job, you often don't pay much mind to your social life, because your professional success is what drives you.